Obsessing Over Something or Someone

Obsession with Something or Someone

Several times this last month I have been approached for help by people struggling to deal with obsession of some sort or the other. Obsession even if it is not considered a morbid condition could become a nerve-wracking experience. It could completely throw life off balance and get people into serious trouble. Your mind runs off down a rabbit hole, leaving the rest of your life at standstill. It is overwhelming in nature as it consumes all your time and energy.  The worst side of obsession is that it could grow even worse when the object of the obsession is suddenly withdrawn/taken away.  A little obsession can be good, if directly rightly. It could drive career growth or help people achieve their goals effortlessly. Having said that, the very word obsession indicates imbalance. To put it simply, obsession is trying to grip something so hard that you squeeze the life blood out of it, either way the you suffers loss.

Obsession is an addiction, it is intoxicating and overwhelming at first.  It seemingly provides some sort of relief when one indulges in it, however it is a deep ravine that is difficult to get out of over a period of time. It is tempting to give in to the obsession despite knowing that it is irrational behavior.  

It drains out so much of your time. Obsessions preoccupy the mind and make it impossible to get the mind off it. Consequently it leaches out so much of one’s valuable time which could be devoted to constructive and meaningful pursuits.

It makes a person lose focus on what is important. The individual tends to fail dismally in his or her ability to prioritize needs and wants in life,  which essentially means that the person’s life could be in complete disarray.

Much of the time spent in a day is wasted unproductively on the thing they obsess about. The person’s obsession takes up all the energy, as he/she may be checking on stuff or worrying over them repeatedly even when he/she knows that nothing much changes in the short time. 

Obsession leads to unwanted stress. The mind is constantly engaged in making sense of a situation or solving a stressful problem or perceived threats. Sometimes this kind of over rumination leads to second guessing, assuming or imagining things that may or may not happen.

Obsession with stuff or people is likely to emotionally unbalance the person.  Severe mood swings, getting annoyed or frustrated easily, sometimes even being abusive could be the result of this emotional imbalance. It is also possible that the person’s excessive indulgence in negative thoughts and ruminations could lead to a certain amount of paranoia.

Obsession could impair judgment and cause individuals to take uncalled for risks, making them do things totally out of character.  This could make life difficult for them and others concerned.

It saps people out physically and reducing their immunity which could in turn give rise to causes other medical complications like hypertension, morbid anxiety, heartburn and ulcers to name a few. Food obsessions could lead to other forms of physiological problems like obesity, high blood sugar levels etc.,

If the obsession is with a person then it could turn to hate and violence if the object of the obsession does not to respond positively to the person’s overtures. This extreme preoccupation with someone could also backfire in that, the object of their interest could start feeling stifled and move away from the person.

 It’s important to break away from any extreme form of attachment or preoccupations in the light of one’s mental and physical health. It would be good to stand back and take a good look at your life, count the cost, refocus on what is important. To wean yourself away from the obsession it would help to, stop looking/indulging in those things that take your focus back to your obsession, refuse to constantly speak about it or mentally engage in those thoughts. Take a break, give your mind rest and you will be able to think clearly and rationally.

Let go - personal maturity

Letting go - way to maturity

This is a personal learning experience that I want to share with you today about letting go and growing up. I realised that I was a hindrance to my own personal growth by holding on to hurts, negative feeling, pain and loss. This resulted in me becoming ill-tempered and sulky, I was hard to reach out to and most of all not company that people wanted to hang out with. I was cocooned within myself and and all I thought about was myself and how pitiable I was. Wow! to think of it now, those dark days are behind me and I can laugh in pain, let go of anything and talk to people as though it never meant anything.. actually you learn to forgive and get over stuff.. for your sake and not for others.

My first lesson was - I hurt my own growth by holding things against others - justified or not. I was making myself miserable. I did not enjoy my life as I should. You think it is worth it.. I am sure you don’t , so did I when I came to that point of realization.. It did not take me long to change after that.

You could complain all day and have people avoid you or just let your hair down and enjoy the moment with the people around you.. if you are carrying heavy baggage from the past you can’t really enjoy the moment and maybe even can’t stop complaining. The better choice was to have fun.. and I did just that. Get a positive attitude and live life positively.

No one enjoys the company of a person who is volatile, temperamental, sulks, is negative or always angry. Hey, forget the others you don’t like yourself if you realize it. Learning to be positive takes time, but is helpful in the long run. You can achieve much by being positive than negative, this was a hard learning but it did come by .. slowly but surely. It was a struggle alright.

Grieving is essential when you face a major loss, but we need to get over it sooner than later. Life goes on and we need to move on. Guilt and fear of what people would think is what keeps most people in mourning, remember to live your life as those others have done.

Forgive, sounds really altruistic, but it can sometimes be a selfish action. When you forgive someone you give yourself permission to move on, and you help yourself more than you help the other. Forgiving erases deep hurts or pain in your psyche and in turn allows you to be less bitter, more positive and think highly of yourself. This is the reason why I called it selfish. Forgive so you can forget pain and hurt and move on. You could move lightly with no emotional baggage.

Let go when you have to. Some people never let you grow. You need to know when to let go and let go. Let them face their own battles and not make you a victim of their problems.

Ignore - sometime we just need to ignore comments. Some people have only that much class that they cannot behave in any other way. They deserve to be ignored. But there are others with whom you need to be assertive, inform them that you do not take kindly to all that they say, at least they will be careful when you are around.

Move on - this is the most important factor for your growth. Do not get stuck with what people say and do, it is their choice. Maturity is to move on and not let other people dictate to your emotions or feeling of wellness . You need to be the master of your destiny, your feelings and life.

Respond don’t react. When we respond we use our rational and logical part of the brain, but when we react we do so from our emotions. Emotional reaction are often not the best responses, so make sure when you respond to someone think through it and decide if you are going to react in a way that would stop your grow or you move on no matter what. Let go .

Have a wonderful day...and bloom in every area and aspect of your life.

Personal Development and Personal Maturity - part 3

Personal development and personal Maturity part 1

Personal development and personal Maturity part 2
This part of post on personal maturity dwells upon being self-centred or ego-centric or egoistic. Egoism is the sign or immaturity and poor self awareness. This shows that the person has not grown beyond their childhood years. If there is a need in us to think only about ourselves and our desires and gratification of our desires we are indeed self-centered or egoistic. If you look at every relationship or interaction and only fromthe point of view of what is in it for me..without considering the other person in the equation, then you really need to look at the way you think. Is it always about you.. my needs, my happiness, my comfort ..my ..my, my.. ???  Think hard, think straight. I, me and my may not endear you to the world. A self centered egoistic person thinks and acts only with one perspective in mind..his/her happiness.Egoistic or self-centred people hardly care for or show concern for the feelings of others and are determined to do the things that bring them happiness. They consider the cost to others as often trivial as long as their needs are met. Egoistic people fail to see from another persons point of view. They are hardly moved by compassion.They are ready to scratch the back of others as long as their back is taken care of. You stop scratching their backs and they might scratch your eyes out.  This is because the self serving relationship is over and now the person does not serve his/her needs anymore. Egoistic people always come first..and their needs are more important than others. In the East we are taught to serve others first before we sit down at the table. We are told that a guest is god, we are trained to put ourselves last. It seems like when a person from the East meets a person from say the American culture  it is truly the meeting of the East and the West. Two culture that are way too different and almost parallel to each other.Egoistic people are usually not aware of this issue and think that the whole world needs to treat them right and care about their feelings, while they do not mind trodding on the feelings of others. You may not know if a person is egoistic or not initially as they very cleverly project themselves as kind, loving people. The closer you get the more aware you become of their nature.I am not saying that the rest of the world is altruistic, we are all self-centred people to a certain extent, but it is the degrees of difference that makes you stand apart. Maturity as I always emphasise begins with self-awareness and change. So be the change you want to see.

Personal Development and personal maturity

Personal Maturity

As human beings we all strive to be our best. We desire to be known for our best qualities and for which we need to grow and mature as individuals. We all grow from childhood to teen years and into adulthood, but do we really gain the same level of personal maturity? No, we differ widely in this area. Having excellent professional skills or great IQ in itself does not mean that you have personal maturity.

What then is personal maturity?

Personal maturity is the total competence of a person, his/her competence and ability to adjust in these areas of cognition, affect and conation.

While cognition deals with one’s intelligence and competency in that area, affect deals with emotional competency and adjustment. Conation deals with behaviour, how one acts upon those thoughts and feelings.

So Maturity as we understand is how you perceive, emote and act in response to a particular person, place, things or situation.

A person could be intelligent, brilliant his professional skills, but poor in the areas of emotional and behavioural competencies.

I will be dealing with the affective or emotional and cognitive maturity in this post and the next few posts.

Emotional Maturity

There are a whole bunch of components that fall under the banner of emotional maturity.

we shall deal with a few here and take it to the next post where the rest can be dealt with.

Emotional control - here we consider the ability of the individual to have adequate control over his/her emotions, especially anger, jealousy, anxiety, worry, sadness, happiness etc.

Well I can see why anger or jealousy or sadness should be controlled but - why happiness you may ask . Yes even happiness needs to be expressed appropriately and within the limits of social acceptance. If you see someone being overly excited and acting it out, what would be the first thought to cross your mind? We just need to keep things in perspective.

The ability to express anger or disappointment needs to be done in a way that is controlled but clear, dignified and not provocative. Often people lose it all when the react instead of respond to the situation.

The ability to accept the faults of others is extremely important, no one is perfect.  So why act is if you are? Especially when your anger shows you to be totally out of control. Whip lashing people even with words that sound controlled can be seen for what they are, emotions speak loud and clear so reign them in, show them who is boss.

Being able to keep yourself in a positive frame of mind and focus on enjoying what you have should keep sadness at bay. Worry never did or never will let you achieve anything so why worry?

Being self controlled is the key. Self discipline and focus on your goals could help you keep your emotions in check. Strive to strike a balance, stick to a middle path veering more to the side of happiness could help you stay balanced.

The feeling of security and self-confidence is another major factor in emotional maturity. The ability to trust people to give and take and have a balanced relationship is be an important step in emotional maturity.

If you feel that a witch hunt is on just because someone criticised you, you need to know that you are losing it. Taking negative feedback in the right spirit is the way to grow. If you wanted the whole world to agree with you don’t ask for feedback. Be ready to accept the truth when it is told, even if it tastes bitter. Gulp it, bitter medicines always leave you feeling better.


To be continued .... have a great day :)